The Good Family: July 2008

I'll start off with a disclaimer: this got to be REALLY long. Before you begin, you may want to refill your drink. I'm thinking that I may be a bit bitter about the events that took place on the 4th (well, the ones in the early afternoon anyways. the later ones that were much more fun will end up in a different entry). Really this should be 2 entries, but now that I've invested this much time in it, I'm just going to keep it as one. Part one is my homage to the Minnesota summer culture. Part two is the events as they happened as the Good family took part in once of these summer activities. Maybe someday I'll have a separate blog entitled "Anna Vents" until then....

Minnesota summer festivals. They're as common as the mosquitoes, garage sales, heck, even the lakes. Most small towns have them, and the bigger towns have even bigger ones. Around here we've got Friendship Days, Bullhead Days, Tator Days, Hay Days, St. Clair Days, and Fun Days, jus to name a few. There are also the more-creatively named Pioneer Power, Bavarian Blast, and Kolacky Days. This year, there's an added bonus to Minnesota's summer festival season, it's also the 150th birthday of Minnesota's statehood. There are several Sesquicentennial parties going on all over the state. Try saying Sesquicentennial five times fast!

Most of the above-mentioned festivals are just weekend-long celebrations. There's bound to be a pageant of some sort-each festival has it's own "royalty". They're mostly teen girls, but some have the little girls fighting it out for a crown too. On Friday and Saturday nights you'll often find a beer "garden" fenced off in some city parking lot or behind the local bar with a beer truck parked in the middle offering up is foamy beverages by the pitcherful. If you're lucky you'll get to hear the best local cover band crooning Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and Alabama hits until the wee hours of the morning. During the daytime hours you'll find softball and volleyball tournaments, raffles, hog roasts, and some even offer carnival rides (complete with traveling carnie-people).

The capstone of these festivals is always the parade. To be a Minnesota parade, you must include the following: Color Guards from ALL of the tri-county area American Legions and/or VFWs, the volunteer Fire Depts from the same area, sheriffs, marching bands from the local high school and (hopefully) one of the area drum corps, the girl scouts, boy scouts and 4-H clubs from the town, old tractors- the older, the better, hopeful politicians, the Shriners and their noisy little cars, horses (and the poop picker-upper cart), some sort of old-timer band (not marching, but on a flatbed trailer), all the royalty from the above-mentioned pageants, if you're lucky you'll get the royalty from the neighboring towns too- and they wave (think wrist-wrist, elbow-elbow)- finally, you also have to have the local businesses- some with actually floats, some just a buick with a sign taped on it (the sign is optional in some parades though, so you're not quite sure which business it is). Then there's the candy. Candy, you ask? Yes, the candy. The floats throw candy. Lots of it. Tootsie rolls, jolly ranchers, dum-dums, and this years' latest trend- freezies (which, according to Kyle are called something else in Ohio. Ice pops? Is that it?). Anyways, they throw out tons of it, and sometimes free stuff too- Frisbees, can kozies, stickers for the politicians, etc. How else are they going to get people to come out in the heat and humidity, sit on the curb/ sidewalk and watch everyone go by?

Evidently, in Ohio, small towns don't have weekend-long celebrations each summer. So this is new to Kyle. Parades Minnesota-style are new to him too. I had a lot of explaining to do on the 4th of July.

Elliot and I had made it to two parades already this year (Friendship Days in Nicollet and St. Clair Days in, well, St. Clair- my hometown, btw). Kyle looked at me a little odd when there was a pile of candy on the dining room table when he came home from work (he's working weekends at the local Buy-More- if you watch Chuck you'll know which store I'm talking about). I explained the candy-throwing phenomenon. He looked skeptical, but shrugged it off. On the 4th of July, he got to experience a parade himself.

It was supposed to be the idyllic 4th of July celebration. Flags everywhere. Sunshine. Patriotic music coming from outdoor speakers. The town decorated in red, white, and blue. Crowds of people lining the streets supporting America the Beautiful. We had all that, and more.

We arrived at the small lake town of Elysian about 40 minutes before the parade's start. We found a parking spot not too far from what was the beginning of the parade route. We walked along the parade route looking for 2 things- food (Kyle and I had not eaten lunch, we were waiting for the fares that awaited us- funnel cakes, corn dogs, cotton candy- our mouths we watering in anticipation) and a place to sit.

After 3 blocks, we had not come across either. We could not believe the crowds! Some parts (the shaded ones) were already 5 rows deep of lawnchairs! People must have camped out to get some of those prime shade seats! But even the direct sun places were already full! People who lived on the main drag had their yards roped off, saving their real estate for friends and family. We were neither. We moved on. After 5 blocks we found the food. What we found: taco in a bag, milkshakes, and burgers. Disappointed but hungry, we grabbed two burgers and continued on our journey. Another block down the street (Elysian is a SMALL town, there wasn't much parade route left!) we found a small gap in the crowd. There was about 3 feet of unclaimed territory between two pre-teen boys and and old couple. It was in the direct sun, but we couldn't be picky. It was ours. We parked the stroller behind us, spread our little blanket on the curb, slathered on the sunscreen, and broke out the chilled sodas I had packed in the mini-cooler. We were ready. I was excited. I hadn't been to this particular parade in over 10 years. I had gone to it pretty much every year my entire life, until I went to college. I was excited to be able to share this with Kyle, and with our little guy. At this time, I didn't know my excitement was to be short-lived.

The parade began with the usually starter: the local sheriff with his lights flashing. Behind him was the traditional American Legion and VFW color guards. This must have been the ONLY parade in the FIVE county area, because I swear there were at least a DOZEN color guard troops. All you could see for blocks were these little brigades of old men (and some women) holding their American flags. Some had guns on their shoulders (which they do fire off periodically, and then the kids scramble to get the shells that drop on the street, Kyle got a kick out of that).

The first convertible carrying royalty came by. They were waving their pageant wave. Kyle did a double take at that. "What's wrong with their arms?" I believe that's what he said. He just shook his head. But then it happened. The event that was to be the first in a downward spiral of events that would end the fun. The young princesses were suddenly squirted with water. Squeals/screams of shock and awe came out of them, but these young gals held on to their bouquets of roses and smiles carried on. I was impressed. I was thinking, Oh, that's not fun. Did I mention that these princesses are fully dressed in their pageant gear- complete with hair and make-up? Not big-time Texas hair, but some had some nice up-dos going. I felt bad for them- here they are, representing whatever pageant they had won (the first one may have been Princess of the Lakes, but I'm not positive), sitting pretty in their sparkly-crowned glory, waving to friends, family, and strangers, and these two little punks had to go and soak them.

That's when I noticed them. Across the street from us was a little shabby house. In its front yard was probably about 20-30 assorted people. Before the parade, I didn't pay too much attention to them. They just looked like your average people getting ready to enjoy a parade. There were 2 boys, probably around the age of 10 or 11 or so. They each held a "water stick" of some sort. Not a super-soaker, but this "stick" you stick into a bucket of water, pull back on the handle and it "loads" the stick with water and voila- instant water weapon.

These boys proceeded to spray just about every float in the parade. Time and time again they'd unleash their ice-cold fury onto an unsuspecting person-on-float (not quite sure what to call them). Some did enjoy it and welcome the refreshment. I'll admit that. But mostly, you could see the look of irritation, rage, annyoment, and embarrassment come over the face of the victim. And time and time again, we had to witness it. Do you know how fun it is to watch someone ruin someone else's fun? It's not.

ONCE, their "mother" (I'm using quotes because 1) I'm assuming it was her an 2) she didn't really act like one) scolded them. ONCE! You could hear people on our side of the street starting to growl over thier behavior. I head someone mutter "Somone otta give those boys a lickin'!" and then " If they were my kids... " You would think they would run out of water. I think that was what I was hoping. But no, someone kept refilling them. This went on the ENTIRE parade.
You would think this was bad enough. But no, it takes more than that to ruin a parade for me. It also takes.....

Water Balloons.

Apparently the little hellions with the water sticks learned their shenanigans from their older brothers/cousins/whomevers. Sitting closer to the house across from us was a row of about 5 late-teenagers. They had a rather large stash of water balloons. And they had bad aim. They launched their ammo at unsuspecting floaters (that's what I'll call them). It didn't matter what kind of float it was, or who was on it, they attempted to bomb them. Floats with tons of paper decorations. People playing instruments. Even floats with little kids. They knocked down signs, knocked candy-about-to-be-thrown out of people's hands. They wreaked their havoc on the parade.

But they only hit their target about 60% of the time. That's not so bad, you're probably thinking. They only made contact a little over half the time. You weren't sitting across the street from them. If the balloon didn't hit it's intended target, it came sailing at us. And the people next to us (old) and the little kids next to them, and the older people on the other side of us, and the younger babies next to them. Balloons were crashing into the street in front of us, splashing water everywhere. Soon I could hear the crowds growling about these hooligans. It was about the time that a balloon landed just a foot from Elliot, spraying us with water, that Kyle decided to do something about it.

Thankfully, that didn't turn into an event that ruined the day! He just went over and politely asked them to knock it off, that there's little kids and old people who were getting hit by their "misses". They said they'd try harder to hit their targets. As Kyle turned around and headed back, he was sure they were going to throw one at the back of his head, but he made it back to our side safely. We had FIVE whole minutes of water-balloon free time. Then they started again, and their aim was as good (bad) as it was before. This time a little kid, roughly the same age as Elliot got hit. Another man headed over to tell them to knock it off. He had a more direct approach though, and I believe there was some cussing involved. He had his finger pointed at them, and it was shaking. He pointed across the street, and then back at the hooligans. The hooligans started smirking, and then you could SEE the attitude. Then their mother jumped in. FINALLY, some parental control. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. She yelled at the pointing man, "GET OFF MY PROPERTY". Seriously, your boys are ASSAULTING a TODDLER with a water balloon, and you're concerned with trespassing? SERIOUSLY? The pointing man retreated, smart enough to not push the issue further, but visibly angry.

It had been an hour and a half. We were hot, irritated, and constantly on the lookout for water balloons. We figured that the parade HAD to be over soon.

Then the old lady next to us wearing short shorts lit up a cigarette. We left shortly after that.

So much for having a good time and sharing the experience with my husband. I'll be lucky if I can ever convince him to go to parade again.

Luckily, Elliot had a good time. He loves parades (except the sirens from the firetrucks). We did manage to take a few pictures of us having a good time. And the burgers were good.